Why did they call her Melanie?
She's a computer, for Ch's sake! With even less intelligence than Susan out on Pluto. I should know, I've dealt with her four or six times a month for several months, just to keep two phones updated. (Any plan which would update them automatically would double the cost.)
She's friendly, she's bouncy, I can just visualize her pert and vacuous face, as she declares:
If you want service in English, say ... English.
... English
Hi! I'm Melanie! Any time you know the answer, just say it. What is your ten-digit account number?
... (I say the number.)
Did you* saay, (and she repeats the number, her voice rising or lowering with each number).
... Yes.
What is your passcode?
... (I say the passcode)
Did you* saay, (and she repeats the passcode, still with that annoying rising and falling voice. "Zero" is in a low voice. "Five" is in a high voice.)
... Yes.
Do you want to add time to your account?
...(okay, my fault, here, anticipating the wrong question -- I've only done this four times a month all summer. The correct answer to the question is "Yes.")
... Add time.
I'm sorry, I didn't get that. How can I help you? Do you want to check your account balance? or add time? or hear the expiry date?
... Add time.
Did you* saay, "Add time"?
... Yes
Do you want to pay using credit card, or Pay-As-You-Go card?
... Visa
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
Do you want to pay using credit card, or Pay-As-You-Go card?
... Visa
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
Do you want to pay using credit card, or Pay-As-You-Go card?
... Visa
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
Do you want to pay using credit card, or Pay-As-You-Go card?
... Crackers, please be quiet, I'm on the phone!
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
Do you want to pay using credit card, or Pay-As-You-Go card?
... Credit card.
What is the number of the credit card?
... (I tell her.)
Did you* saay (number)?
... Yes.
What is the expiry date of the credit card?
... (I tell her.)
Did you* saay (date)?
... Yes.
How much do you want to add?
... Ten dollars.
Did you* saay, "Ten dollars"?
... Yes.
Hold on while I update your account. ...
I'm sorry, there seems to be a problem with that credit card number. Hold on, while I transfer you to the next available operator.
(elevator music)
Your call has been placed in priority sequence.
(elevator music)
Your call has been placed in priority sequence.
(elevator music)
Your call has been placed in priority sequence.
(elevator music)
Your call has been placed in priority sequence.
(you get the picture)
Hi, I'm Brian. (A new voice!!! My type of sexy -- friendly, confident, but not bouncy!) Please tell me your ten digit account number.
(The sound of typing. What, he doesn't have to confirm it with me first?)
And the passcode?
(More typing)
Okay, how can I help you?
... I explain the situation, and give him the card number.
Oh, it shows here that you have a different expiry date on your credit card. Shall I fix it for you?
... (Du-uh..)
And how much did you want to add?
... Ten dollars.
Okay, that's added. Now, do you know about our latest promotion? (And he blathers while the computer updates the info.)
Your account will expire on (gives date).
Can I help you with anything else today?
... No. (A lie, what I'd really like to do is strangle Melanie.)
Susan on Planet Pluto is shamelessly borrowed from Battle of the Planets, which is owned by Sandy Frank and Tatsunoko, I think.
August 28, 2002